PCB's PR disaster: No Asifs, Butts or maybes.

"This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them so they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't DO shit." - Glenn Cullen, 'Thick of It' Series 1 Episode 2.


There's an old saying about biting the hand that feeds you and a general consensus that it's not the brightest thing to do. Biting the hand that not only feeds you, but gives you somewhere to play test matches after an unruly crowd of terrorists forced you out of your homeland borders on insane.


Now, I may be a blogging novice but even I know that blogging about cricket is shaky ground. While if you talk about football, all you need is a Sky Sports subscription and a spellcheck to look like the Oracle, you can guarantee with cricket that there's always someone who knows rather more to shoot you and your ranting down.


But this is a thinly-veiled PR blog, not a sports one. So here goes.


You'll know the story by now. British tabloid catches dodgy businessman making promises that he can 'arrange' for Pakistan players in the Fourth Test at Lord's (which I was at) to bowl no balls with the aim of making mega bucks stinging illegal bookies in the sub-continent. The promised no balls come right on schedule. Newspaper publishes scandal in inky Technicolor. All hell breaks loose.


Innocent until proven guilty, of course. But as George had it in Blackadder, certain Pakistan players look as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.


Now, one of the early comments made in slightly throwaway fashion by BBC cricket guru Jonathan Agnew in one of his Five Live pieces that caught my ear was that the Pakistan touring side had no media management staff with them at a time when they were suddenly cast into the glare of the world's mainstream media. Consequently, in the hours, days and, subsequently, weeks that have followed a shitstorm of spells of silence punctuated by finger-pointing, a drip-drip of allegations, counter allegation, thinly-veiled allegations and more fingerpointing have ensued.


So, the ICC waded in and the never conquering anti-corruption unit cranked itself from its slumber. Meanwhile, somewhat predictably, the world's media have managed to get at certain characters linked to the game, talked them into saying something controversial and then syndicated their comments worldwide to a voyeuristic public. Ultimately, the whole thing got rather messy.


To suggest that the Pakistan Cricket Board have no media representation at all is not quite right. Nadeem Sarwar, the PCB media-manager-cum-general-dogsbody has done his best in fighting the fires over recent weeks from his homeland. And, you'd have to say, other than being the Pope's PR man, there's no less enviable job in the industry right now. 


But it all took a huge turn for the worse, at the weekend. Pakistan cricket, an absolute basket case at the best of times, has REALLY gone and done it.


When it emerged yesterday that Sarwar's boss, Ijaz Butt, the Chairman of the Pakistan Cricket Board, had decided the time was right for him to make a foray into the media, you could well imagine the poor PR fella holding his head in his hands. While he's sought to backtrack on his comments a little bit today (perhaps at Sarwar's insistence) he's basically accused the whole world of being against Pakistani cricket, that England's players threw the third ODI on Friday and that it's all one big conspiracy. I strongly suspect if he'd had chance he'd have accused Graeme Swann of being responsible for the death of Princess Di.


That he made these comments to the broadcast media back home, thinking they'd be reported favourably and that in this age of news wires and 24-hour sports news is, at best, naive. I'd describe it rather more unkindly as outrageously stupid. It makes you wonder who on earth appointed this guy (actually, I know this. It was the President of Pakistan who, to his credit, perhaps doesn't want a David Cameron-style international faux pas on his record so is keeping quiet).


Put this against the context that England went out of their way to accommodate the nomadic Pakistan side who are prevented from playing home internationals due to security concerns. The England Cricket Board is, quite rightly, seething at these comments (as should the Pakistan players, for that matter, given that Butt is basically saying they didn't earn what was an excellent win) and they'll certainly not be taking in their feral peers again.


Spot-fixing allegations aside, this one should (and probably will) be used as a case study of how NOT to conduct a crisis management campaign. A simple statement, promising full co-operation, removal of the players accused from the firing line, a single credible point of contact for the media to avoid unnecessary speculation by the media and tighter message management of those in the PCB camp. Basics which would have made this whole ungainly affair rather less tangled and give Pakistan at least a fighting chance of cleaning itself up in the years to come.

Mosque grows fat on a rolling stone

Speaking about plans by frozen food specialists Iceland to open a branch in the Dudley premises occupied by Beaties, Deputy Leader of Dudley Council cllr Les Jones said the opening would “drive forward the economic regeneration of Dudley”. (Dudley Express and Star)

Right, this is the first time I've blogged and I suppose we might as well go conkers deep into something proper controversial. And to open we might as well have a two-hour special, they won't always be this long (promise).

Let me come back to the above quote about Iceland in a bit, you'll soon see where I'm going as far as this PR car crash on my doorstep is concerned.

Even those of you not familiar with the fishing village of Dudley beyond the fact it's got a Zoo and Lenny Henry came from there (although I will never, as long as I live forgive him for the cries of 'oh, Dud-laaaay' from anybody outside the West Midlands when I explain where I'm from) may still be aware of a bit of a storm going on round our way. Surely you've seen the TV footage of ageing football hooligans in fake designer clobber getting all feisty?

While I love Dudley passionately, it's fair to say it's not been having the best of times lately. Since the mid 1980s when one of Thatcher's bright ideas saw the money thirsty and soul sapping Merry Hill centre built, the life has been sucked out of it and, unlike other places, it's not coped well. Sadly, the High Street is a shadow of its former self. The idea of going there of an evening wouldn't cross any mind but the most desperate. The last nail in the coffin, for many, was the decision by department store Beatties - for years standing firm as the rest of the town fell into ruin - to close down at the start of the year.


Let it also be said - because it hasn't been said enough and indeed it was never said - that the people of Dudley are a broadly fair and honest bunch but, on the issue we're about to look at, seem to have a blind spot. Hopefully we might seek to understand why.

So, this little rumble in the Dudley jungle.

In a nutshell there's a piece of derelict, litter-strewn, rat-infested piece of land just off the bypass road that helpfully helps drivers avoid the town centre on the way to Merry Hill. Take my word for it, there's more chance of me running a four-minute mile than it ever being developed for industrial or indeed any other use.

Dudley Muslim Association, currently based in cramped and what they consider to be unsuitable premises elsewhere in the town, want to spend £12 million on building a new mosque on the aforementioned site. In fairness, it's more than just a mosque. It's a full on community facility, gym, the works. If you're going to do it, you might as well do it properly, i suppose.

So, they did a deal with the land owners (Dudley Council) to get hold of the land and set about trying to make it happen.

Needless to say, such plans when first unveiled about six years ago did not go down well with the enlightened townsfolk of Dudley.

Ok, there was, quite rightly, protest at the scale of the development early on. That was soon pared back to fit planning guidance.

But the hysteria that has ensued is nothing short of disgraceful. Wound up by the agenda of sections of the media, the masses have been, frankly, seething.

If I had a pound for every time I've heard someone say to me 'just cos we doe wanit, doe mek uz racist' I'd have enough to regenerate the town myself.

Look, if you're a Nazi redneck, fine. That's up to you and I respect you more for just admitting to being a Nazi redneck than trying to hide behind a weak argument that anyone with a shred of intelligence will rip to bits.

So, the usual pub argument goes something like this:

'We ay racist, we just doe wanit rahnd ere.'

Oh right why's that?

'It ay in keeping wiv the medievel character of the taaaaahn.'

Ah, and charity shops and low-rent takeaways are?

'But wi'm paying for it ay we? Cuz uv the guvernment!'

Er, no - it's being paid for by the DMA.

'But that land shud be used fer industry, creating jobs fer local folks.'

Oh, right. Lots of offers for that sort of thing are there?

'Well, there should be a swimming pool or a gym or something' (usually spoken as they shovel another pork scratching into their mouth).

But isn't there a swimming pool and a gym in Dudley already?

'Well the likes of you and me woe be allowed to use it.'

Hmmmm.... prove it.

'Look we just doe want them Muslims arahnnd ere!' 

Ah, now we get to the point. We could have saved a lot of time if you'd just admitted to being a Nazi redneck in the first place, to be fair.

Sadly, there's no shortage of people with these views. You can get a flavour of them reading the reader's comments from this recent Express and Star story.

So, a 20,000-50,000 signature petition (depends what you read) has been collected driven by a publicity hungry UKIP councillor (I think he only needs to be a member of the Green party and he'll have the Grand Slam). The brain surgeons who use Facebook have set up groups articulately (yeah right) expressing their dissatisfaction at the situation. And, most worryingly, a rabble of football thugs laughably calling themselves the English Defence League (Jesus, can you imagine if we really did have to rely on them to defend us?) have already twice made their way to Dudley to 'protest' and stir up trouble in the rather half-arsed way that football thugs do. So bright are these lot that their anti-Islamic stance on behalf of the good people of Dudley has not only resulted in the town being closed for business twice, resulted in a huge bill for the locals for the policing and, get this, resulted in a Hindu temple being smashed up!

All said, it's gone a bit nasty since the outline planning permission was first turned down by Dudley Council's development control committee (on the back of little more than rabble rousing) and then the decision was overturned on appeal.

Which brings us to the present. The other day, a young lad who I had a good natured with debate on Twitter about this issue made me think. He lives a lot closer to the site than me. I won't name him but suffice to say he's a good lad. He took me to task about some of the sweeping generalisations I made about the protestors. We went too-and-fro and he made the observation that there were some pretty significant PR issues here which I've had some thoughts about.

Just so I don't get accused of council-bashing (the easiest thing in the world to do and unfair given that I feel Dudley is one of the better councils round these parts or indeed round any parts), it has to be said that Dudley Muslim Association has done itself few favours on this issue. 

To think that they can go about doing something this ambitious and immense without properly explaining what it is they are trying to achieve and presenting their case in a clear and articulate fashion is, at very best, naive. The lad on Twitter complained that they've had no form of communication whatsoever, meaning they've had to rely on what they read in the press. (Try and find any online outline of the plans, a consultation website. I certainly couldn't. Even the pondlife at the EDL have a website, for crying out loud).

Journalists I've spoken to have complained that DMA regularly fail to return calls, never make themselves available for comment and effectively hide away from the situation. Whether either of these claims are fair, it's hard to say but the vicious circle that has developed of residents taking their information from a badly informed media (or not receiving a balanced view due to the reticence of DMA) just creates a whirlpool of ignorance. For an organisation that is as progressive and ambitious as DMA, they've dropped something of a clanger there which they must learn from, fast.

Which brings me to Dudley Council and, indeed, Iceland. While I'm sure constructive stuff is going on behind the scenes between council officers and DMA and their 'people', the position of the elected members has been based on the din of the protestors rather than any substantial planning issue.

What's that you say? Didn't I say earlier that Dudley Council had sold them the land in the first place? This is where the whole things gets silly. Clearly, the decision to sell the bit of tatty unwanted land was made on the basis that somebody wanted to use it for development, investing in Dudley and providing much-needed scraps of regeneration. Now, four years down the line, the Council and DMA appear to be at loggerheads. There's been talk of the Council finding another site (anybody with half a brain knows the issue isn't the location of this building, it's that there's a proposed building at all) which has recently it seems fallen through. Not long ago it was reported that the plans had been scrapped after an announcement was made by the council, this was denied by the DMA.

It's all very unedifying.

So, the elected members of the Council are saying one thing, the DMA another. (I'm not being overly critical of this, they're taking an absolute pasting off the electorate who, angry at not understanding the issue, chose to blame the 'cahn-sull' instead). However, one would expect on a matter of such importance that they'd be working together. After all, there's a chance of an £18 million regeneration project here, which the council, from where I stand, seem not to be supporting and encouraging.

So, back to Iceland.

When the news emerged the other week that iceland was planning on taking over the ground floor of the building vacated by Beaties, you'd have thought from the reaction of the council that it was House of Fraser or Selfridges moving in. No offence to Iceland - those big packs of sausage rolls are fantastic and I'm a big fan of their cheese-cake- but it's like Barcelona losing Lionel Messi and signing Luke Moore from the Albion as a replacement. So, an £18 million transformation of a derelict site into a regeneration project which will attract investment and visitors from all over the world is bad. But some freezers selling affordable foodstuffs will "drive forward the economic regeneration of Dudley". (No offence meant to Les Jones, the source of that comment, undoubtedly one of the best local politicians I've had the pleasure of meeting.)

And where will it all end?

Course it will get built. A lot of locals will seethe. They'll blame the council. Those of us who have more important things to worry about will continue to worry about them. The EDL will come back. They'll crawl back under their rocks. The council will continue to disown the whole thing.

Then, once it's built, hopefully the people of Dudley will realise that Islam and a place of worship is nothing to seethe about and go on being the tolerant, multi-cultural place I'll always try and know and love it as.